Fall is here. 
I could see my breath when I took Kevin out for a walk.
Kevin is my roommates dog.

I find myself, despite the expanse of work in front of me, side tracked by sideways glances, not-yet-falling leaves, hurried school bound feet, and other comings of cooler weather.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for it.  Someone told me recently that I look too hard for reasons to be unhappy in autumn.  Maybe.  But, why?  Why do I dislike such a short lived season.  It really comes and goes.  But I think it's her, Autumn's, nature and methods that put me off so.  

It doesn't need to be so abrupt.  Summer comes slowly with anticipation and expectancy.  Autumn is quick and bitter, before revealing her true intention of unveiling colder days, and longer, blue-black sky nights. 

I find myself writing the most in the fall.  Despite being my busiest; I find a pen in my hand, and a note book on a table, desk, lap in front of me.  

And yet, I won't move to a season-less part of the world.  For someone who hates the passing of the seasons as I seem, why wouldn't I go.  LA? Nashville?  Both are music towns...

Maybe it's because I actually do like Autumn.  Some of my best memories are from the fall.  Some of my worst.  But always transitional and pinnacle in the shifting of life themes.  

Minnesota has my heart.  We'll see what the east coast has to say. 

My summer is going by too quickly.  But a few things have occurred to me. 
1) Boston totally rules.  I'm finding things I love about this town on a weekly basis.  
2) I still miss mpls like crazy though
3) I'm taking steps to becoming a professional musician, which still makes me crazy.
4) Regarding the above- I'm playing a show in NYC in a few weeks, it's weird to say that.
5) Also, I'm recording an album with the most beautiful and talented woman ever.  And I get to call her my girlfriend.  It's a bit intense to think about, but to have a bond with with someone that transcends the typical 'relationship', is sort of terrific.  And she'll be in town to record more piano tracks, edit more of the old stuff, and otherwise spend romantical times with me next week!  super exciting. 
(back on task)
6) Biking in boston kicks my ass daily, but it's so much more invigorating than typical mpls riding.  I ride alone, for now, but I need to ride with more people.  
7) my shop totally kicks ass
8) NACCC is going to be in my town!
9) summer is still progressing nicely. 

I find myself again, at the crux of two seasons.  
I find myself again, at a tipping point of emotions, on a strange multi-limbed teeter-totter.  
I feel need for personal connection, yet feel it from no one.   I am dismissed.  
Spring time, for once, is leaving me wishing winter was still here, so I had reason to curl up under the covers, and stay in bed.  
I want to steal glances over brims of tea cups at a dark cafe.
I want to laugh at the same things, for the same reasons.
I want to laugh under covers, and dance in inappropriate public places.
I want to hold hands.

It's been a while since I've been taken by pet names, restless nights, boasting about back-home sweethearts, and being content with distance.
We make things work.  And for the first time in years, I feel my guard being let down.  I don't keep up blocks about who I am, what I represent, and what I want.  I can actually feel comfortable with someone enough to be me.  I never though it was good enough, but she makes it different. 

I'm not just happy for now, like I'd been in the past.  I'll be the first to admit that I've dated and been half hearted.  I'm reminded of that death cab for cutie song, "I once knew a girl, in the years of my youth, with eyes like the summer: all beauty and truth.  But in the morning I fled, left a note and it read, 'some day you will be loved'".  Because I know that in the past I've dated people I was originally smitten with, but didn't put anything into the relationship.  I've only once been told, "I can't figure you out, you're so mysterious".  And it wasn't mysterious like in a cool way.  It meant I was keeping things to myself.  

But now.  Now I actually feel like I am in a relationship.  Not just dating a girl.  I actually have a girlfriend who I adore.  And unlike my past, I'm not just taken in by the summer-love sort of thing.  We haven't even had summer 'together' yet.  And yet, she reminds me of all things July.  This will be a good summer. 

I keep having throwbacks to summers past.
Puddles for summer jumping I find in January, I wish I could save them for June in Minneapolis.
Corn bread and lime sodas, organic if I can get it.  The taste is of July, and with her. 
I sip at local coffee shops, but 1400 miles away.  
Eating thai food alone, watching 3 brothers journey reminds me of August.  
Skids through town in the rain, but it's January, she would like this.
And yet I can't find the winter comforts I'm used to.  
There is no gunpowder tea in this city.  Wasn't there a party at one time?  Maybe thats it.
I'm a summer person, living it out in an east coast winter.  

Today was the first day of school. 
I'm making steps in putting my feet forward toward being a professional musician.
A professional musician.  Weird.  
It's not like I'm expecting my name in lights, on t.v., whatever.  
But I do feel like I will actually make something of myself.  
Scary.
plus, I have a new job.  At a bike shop again.  Back to what I know I guess, for the time being.

I went to a glasses store in the financial district of downtown Boston today.  It went like:

Glam beyond WOAH!  I actually needed to be buzzed in the front door, like a gem store or some shit.  And dudes were all up like "WTF? Dirtball?"  And I was all like, "dig the rimz on m'face right now! IC Berlin's mh'fucka.  I know what I roll, so do you.  So DIG!"
And dude 1 was all up in his card stack, "My name is Upper Class, what's yours, how can II help you?" That is, once he realized what the FUCK was UP!
I says, "Names S. Mai Dee, what the fuck you think my name is bitch?  IT'S BOB MO-FUCKIN-BEAHEN!"
And dude 2 was sayin, "what, who? no way!"
I nodded, "(duh!)"
So, chumps know I got the fundz to buy me some frames to play for keeps, and I'll be back to claim!  Dig once I gets the Dutch to hold the glass, for fact!

czech, what.

I also just accidentally stole my roommates toothpaste.  In actuality, I just grabbed his as opposed to mine when I left the bathroom this morning.

But...

-1 Bob.

I'm officially moved in to my new place in Boston.  Actually, I live in Brighton.  But it was explained to me, "if you call the cops, Boston P.D. shows up, so, it's Boston".

Who calls the police?  I've decided to live by Omerta.  I figure, I'm this close to the Irish Mob, it's not too far to Italian Mob.  And Omerta sounds baddass.  Look it up.

On an unrelated note: throat is soar, head is achey. 
Which reminds me, I'm missing a girl.  I didn't think I'd actually be pseudo mopey about it, but I am.  It's no use sleeping in a cold bed if you can't torture someone else with your cold feet.  Now....it's just a cold bed.  But long distance dates hold promise of mega-adorable-ness.  yup.

I think I'm going to order a pizza, watch some Arrested Development (watched my first episode yesterday), and maybe hang out with Nick and Jeremiah.  

I'll have pics and pics soon enough.  word.

It hit me last night that I'm leaving on Friday for an indefinite amount of time.  Maybe I'll be back for summers, maybe not.  I have no idea what my schedule for school or work will look like.  Don't get me started on money...

I have a lot to do, and a short amount of time to do it.  But I usually work well under pressure (I tell myself, unconvinced).

Today will be a gauge of how the rest of my week will go. 

it's been a while since I've felt dependent on anyone.  After years of building up so much self reserve to avoid futility in personal arguments and the like, I need a ride.

It's not just that I need a ride today.  It's that I'm at my parents house, waiting to hear from my mom, to see if she'll give me a ride.  

It only adds to this endless, "I feel bad when I ask for things" mentality.  Only because when I do, it seems like a huge inconvenience.  

Brother is in town, they drive to the airport and take shopping

Sister is in town, "here's a car to drive for a month".

I need a ride home form work, "I guess I can figure something out."

I'm 17 and angsty, apparently.

A little less than a year ago I told myself I would start to livejournal again. check it, I'm not a liar.

the little black notebook I obsess over, it will be digitalized.

here are a few entries from said book, which I have deemed internet worthy.

this should help catch you up if you haven't spoken to me in a year.

I'm moving away, I know little of what it will bring to me, and what I will bring to it. As I'm tried with the frivolous battle between love found, love lost: I'm no longer growing weary as I did in times past. I find detachment from such trials to be easier done and departed from. Occupational, economical, educational woes plague me less, and yet I know the next corner...you get the idea. As I write, I realize: I deserve what I get, and get what I put into. I have no one to complain to but myself if I have taken the steps to rectify personal strife.
-------------------
(here's an old one)

I heard it whispered on summer breezes, not unlike cricket winds and bullfrog clouds.

A summer spent chasing nothing between pillars in uneven cobblestone gardens,
where the leaves throw themselves down, eager to take part in a last dance before autumn.

A summer spent in late night city park adventures,
Where we spy the policeman as he stares at his car, patrolling nothing.  He knows where we are, and feigns interest.

A summer spent flashlight sprinting over cobwebbed iron bridges and through tunnels of branches, listening to nothing but our own hurried feet.

A summer spent on top of bed sheets, our only blanket being a faint breeze carried by moonsong.
We talk and laugh ourselves to sleep, to pick up again in the morning.

A summer spent learning again, catching glances again, whistling songs again, a summer spent...
------------------------
(another old one, summer is my thing, fall is my failure)

A flood of summer thoughts, early autumn dreams, carried late night through curtained windows.
A mist of thought, gently bumped along by murmuring bullfrog voices.  Each grumbling to the next, the idea...
It doesn't matter the details nor the actual discussion of the topic,
Only mode of dialogue:
Gentle nods and sways from tall oak branches, recognizing tall swamp grass, the talk continues...
Delicate soundless song, hinted at through the cloud filtered moon in July.
In a few months, the song will be gone; replaced by colder tunes, and sadder melodies.
But for now, this is summer's song.
Summer's song carried deep in pocket of late night friends.
As they spread the tune, they laugh; equally contrasting the not still and yet not moving midsummer sky,
it nods in silent approval.
-----------------------
(written, influenced by the passing of my grandfather last fall, my grandmother, and her stories)

She picks mint leaves for his hospital gown pockets,
He's not in the garden now, but the garden, small as mint leaves, is there.
She visits and tends for over a year, gaining courage, losing hope.
He still knows the appropriate flowers.
"Yellow roses are good, but maybe red is the best," he suggested.
So both are planted in his garden when he is gone.
He isn't here to lift the bigger stones, so I do now.
And even I can't pretend allergies are at it this time.
I keep tending as he did, she tells me stories, hoping to get both sides right.
And years ago, she tells me, of porch imaginings of stars,
or maybe planets.
And they would imagine similar lovers looking back, imagining them the same.
(unfinished)
----------------------
Weeks before a life changing departure, I'm starting to see and feel the culmination of stress and release.
I'm struggling daily with the idea of family and friends, who is which, and how to maintain everything I want.
I admit fully, I am a hopeless romantic.
I need trees, fields, Minnesota, my family, my home.
What will I do when I have none of this?
Can I be so naive to think I can progress without change?
Is it enough to hope for success, without struggle?
Is it trivial to be somewhat consumed by these ideas? 
I guess, in less than one month, my questions will be answered.
Here's to the deep end.

so I decided to livejournal it again. I need to write more, dwell less, and move on consistantly. Hopefully this is one route there.